When the World is Against You
Currently reading: Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
Currently listening: working in silence, otherwise have "chilled hits" playlist on spotify
Currently drinking: water
Weather: A stuffy, cloudy 24 degrees celsius. Bring on the cooler weather already!
Commission status: low, available!
What a positive subtitle. But really, it's how I'm currently feeling. While I have included more personal blog posts in the past on my other, previous sites and blogs, I have so far kept this one very illustration based. I've decided, though, that not everyone in the world is an illustrator, and that I was therefore limiting my audience quite a lot. So I'm going to start writing more on my blog about anything that currently is tickling my fancy. One thing I thought of doing is a sort of weekly round up about what's been going on for me during the last week. It might be interesting for you, but also serve as a kind of public diary and record of events for me, hopefully as things change and grow with regards to my career and life in general.
Sp, back to that subtitle. I was talking to my mother the other day about how I seem to be working so hard, and yet I wasn't getting anything out of it. I don't really give myself a day off, I work and work, I have a simple social life, and I don't make much money or bring in enough commissions to feel secure. Why? I seem to have always struggled with things just working for me. I have changed, adapted, grown, I've put in sleepless nights and had business meetings, I've entered competitions and emailed too many companies and organisations to list, and yet, I'm still at the point in my (still somewhat new) career as someone just starting out. I am in my third year illustrating and cannot support myself full-time from it. Sobering. So I was saying this to my mum, and she said about her friends two daughters being the same, work very hard, both smart, and yet they seem to be knocked back and pushed down as well. My normally "it will work out" mother admitted that it seemed the world was just working against me.
I have been sick for 16 days now, but not the kind of blowing nose/coughing/phlegm everywhere/obvious virus. I've had an energy sucking virus that, for some reason, has decided to team up with insomnia until 2am every morning. Every. Morning. I hate this kind of sick, because you question whether you are sick, or have simply lost the will to "do". With thoughts swarming though my brain about my possible lack of professional worth based upon the low level of commercial interest, I started doubting my ability and motivation to succeed based upon the fact that I didn't have the energy to pick up a pencil. I guess I do this a lot, blame myself for why things aren't happening. As much as you tell yourself that you seem to be doing everything possible each day to bring yourself closer to your goals, sometimes it doesn't matter. It's a scary place to be, when you have almost no energy and start wondering whether you will ever make it. I've never been one for a Plan B, and while in my other career, the thought of failure spurred me on to never fail, this career doesn't rely on hard work definitely bringing you forward. Sometimes hard work is just hard work.
I am starting to feel better now, and am ignoring the headache that has firmly gripped behind my ears and around my neck, I'm getting back into work. I was starting to fantasize about being a powerful, busy boss that has to schedule things in each day and has too many people contacting her because she was soooooo important and needed. Yeah. That's what happens when I don't work. I love my work. So I'm glad to get back into it.
I am a creative person, which means that when I can't illustrate, my brain doesn't stop working. I can also only send myself so many text messages about my great visual ideas before my mind starts to try a different avenue. For me, this means writing. Creative writing has always been of importance to me. During university, when I had to write 40,000 word dissertations, the coming up with creative writing ideas was like some sort of thesis-battling army. It kept things a little more okay for me. I had blocked out any possibility of doing visually creative work to keep my mind on uni, but seeings as I was writing anyway, the creative side of writing couldn't stay away as easily. This started to happen again while I was lying in bed lately. I may not have been able to pick up a pencil, lean over some paper and sketch out a composition, but I could lethargically tap away on the keyboard without even looking at where my fingers were placed (a perk of all that essay writing!). Will the start of this new novel go anywhere? I don't know, maybe, it's very different from my normal writing and could only be the result of a burst of creative energy needing to be placed somewhere. But it was refreshing to slowly get back into illustrating, so novel writing may only ever be a runner up for me.
I also tentatively started looking again at England. I have always planned on living in England. I tried (successfully) to get into the hardest course for my previous career, because it had the tiny possibility of being transferrable to an English practicing license. I have thought so many times since my teen years about being over there. I have no idea why. I've never travelled further than New Zealand, and that was when I was 10. I guess I grew up with a lot of English television and literature and always thought myself more English than anything else. So I have been looking a bit at holiday places to stay, air B&B's that have cats or dogs, airfares, car hire, that sort of thing. I know it will be a solo trip (unless anyone wants to join me!) which is slightly daunting but fine, I've done solo trips before, though normally just to different states for a week or so, so this is slightly bigger. I've also been looking again into visas. I had previously thought, as a freelancer, I was only able to get a visa if I got one of those big entrepreneurial visas (like the one for putting 2 million pounds into their economy) but I read recently that I could be self-employed on the youth mobility visa. For that, however, I need to first make myself a bit more successful with my freelance business. The visa stops when you are 30 and is for two years, so time is running out. Another thing to think about. I am pushing Zoe (my cavalier baby that sleeps in my arms at night) away from my mind when I think about living overseas.
Yesterday I put on my dress backwards, and could not be bothered to change it. As of 10:30am the next day, it's still on backwards. #sicklife
Cleaning seems so much more invigorating these days. Wiping down the bathroom sink, partially while sitting on the bath to avoid falling over on wobble legs, has brought a lovely satisfaction that I never before knew. I find myself wanting to vacuum, only to then not feel like bending over to pick up the vacuum. Tomorrow, I promise myself. Tomorrow.
I have still been thinking about buying a new desk. And a nice comfortable desk chair. I've been looking at IKEA desks for a while now, the white rectangle that is the non sit/stand one is still the front runner in my mind. I'm currently working at a thick old dining room table sitting on a $2 plastic Kmart stool.
So that's kind of this week's overview. Not very exciting this week because, really, I haven't been able to do much at all. This week I really want to have my website updated with some recent work and get back into the swing of creating some little things for instagram.
Thanks for reading!
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